More Jokes!!!

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

lololol Thomas, I have actually seen this one before but darn't post it
lmao..

And thanks... good to see someone else posting them too : )

Welcome to the forum!




CwAzY

Thx for the welcome, Cwazy


Some bumperstickers..


Horn not working... Watch for the finger!!


So many pedestrians, so little time.


Men are proof that women can take a joke.


LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.


I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.


I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.


Few women admit their age, few men act it.


Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.


Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.


Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.


Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.


I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

hehe bet you aint seen that before!

.......and we wonder why the world is such bad shape.....



Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don ' t have half dozen nuggets,"
said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine,
or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets,
but I can order six?"
"Th at's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' things that they keep by
the cash register and placed it between our thing s
so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider',
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me,
"Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind,
I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and
they kept asking for a credit card number,
so she wa s usi ng the ATM "thingy."


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store)
would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?"
I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy,"
she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."
(She had no clue either!)


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too
swift One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper,"
the secretary told her.
With that,
the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded
to make five "blank" copies.


SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago,
when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like
an extra in "Twister."
I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that the driver
had set the "cruise control" -
and then went in the back
to make a sandwich!

SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke co ming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"


EIGHT

Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal colander on his head
and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message, "He's lying," was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time
they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.


NINE

mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if
she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid
was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid
some Benadryl and it should be fine.
The mother says,
"Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... "
Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Life is tough...
It's even tougher yet
if you're stupid. .[/b]