Subject: Even More Jokes!!! Wed May 20, 2009 8:21 am
MEN!!!! One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! ' And they say blondes are dumb... ----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you......... ----------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. -------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor -------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.... Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!! Gotta love that fairy! -----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. -------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. ---------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. ------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end to wipe. -------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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CwAzY
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 12:55 am
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That 's nice.' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250.'
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again. Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy: '$750.' Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go? outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' The boy says '$1,000.'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession'. In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'
CwAzY
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 2:01 am
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
CwAzY
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 4:32 am
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.... ********************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window.. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 6:07 am
This explains why I forward jokes. A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!
CwAzY
Subject: Docturing In Dublin Thu May 21, 2009 6:13 am
Rated The Irish joke of the Year
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I Want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes!'
CwAzY
Subject: What Is A Fart? Thu May 21, 2009 6:54 am
What is a fart!
A fart it is a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, Some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song.... A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent , and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of Us sooner or later. But farts are all bad, Is simply not true- We must never forget.... Sweet old farts like you!
Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
CwAzY
Subject: Essex Girls Thu May 21, 2009 7:46 am
Essex Girls...
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne. " "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter."I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?" Girl: "Sharon."Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?" Sharon: "Yes." Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Sharon: "Romford, mate."
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I justheard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds of 'em!"
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Girl: "Ok." Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" Girl: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?" The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,"Well, oim little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C& A on them!"
CwAzY
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 8:01 am
Frikkin hysterical --- you have to watch this!!!
maggie4818mag Moderator
Subject: Re: Even More Jokes!!! Thu May 21, 2009 8:54 am
And NOOOOOOOO thats not me , i DONT SOUND like that lmaoooooooooooooooooo thats a funny girl who sing was so funnyyyyyyy
CwAzY
Subject: Neck Care.. It Works Fri May 22, 2009 4:34 am
hehehe try it!
CwAzY
Subject: Three Little Piggies!!! Thu Jun 18, 2009 4:43 am
Three Little Pigs
The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
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